If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.