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Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.