5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
You Might Also Like
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.