I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
You Might Also Like
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]