I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3