[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.