Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
want me to check your oil?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one