@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
You Might Also Like
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Match dot com, but for socks.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself