Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Hard not to take this personally
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room