People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan