He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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Sounds like a bargain
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.