Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.