ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Finally
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Did my cat write this
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET