kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
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One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.