My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
You Might Also Like
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Yeah. This was me today.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!