LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
LOOOOOOL
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.