Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Bruh PLEASE
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.