An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
School be like
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro