*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Worth a try
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix