Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.