Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Do not steal food from the science building!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.