Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
#NoRestForTheWicked
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens