[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
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Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.