(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
This could be us but you eatin’
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?