Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
And then there were 4
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
#FunnyLife Insects
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director