Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
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Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
same energy
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.