Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick