Your secret is safeish with me
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
#Caturday
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*frowns in Scottish*
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Never forget.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.