What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life