I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
True.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet