Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
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The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
men, we mow at sunrise.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.