“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
You Might Also Like
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man