If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets