Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.