“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’m crying im so happy for them
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Need WebMD
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.