Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
“What?”
– Jude
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.