Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
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well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.