Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.