This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
do u think theres a butter planet?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.