There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.