if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years