Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy