*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal