Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Carpe DM
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*