I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not