Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”