*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
💯😂
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo