doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
That’s no pocket rocket.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does