I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
You Might Also Like
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Are you a cat person or a person person?
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us