Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
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me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
meanwhile over on facebook
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Wait for it
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now